Reflections

Fitting In

Fitting in.

There is the sound of waves in restful motion calmly washing the sand, shifting shells and seaweed. Grassy dunes reach out into the land on one side. Ahead cliffs climb and stretch out along the shoreline breaking into columns of chalk that jut out from the sea.

‘How will they fit into society when the time comes?’ she says.

We had been talking about young people having the freedom to learn.

‘Ah... That is where all the problems begin.’

Silence takes many forms and one of them is that of incomprehension preceding disagreement. Other people join before any more words can follow. No more is said on the subject.

New school terms begin, universities and colleges start up again, and children and young people gather together. People take up new jobs, move to new places and commence new lives. There is uncertainty, excitement, some fear and many questions. However, we adapt to our surroundings as best we can.

We try to fit in... but it does not always work.

What does it mean to fit in?

For over forty years I would watch children and young people at this time of year come together and create new classes, new boarding houses and new schools. Individuals changed the atmosphere, the climate of the community, this included teachers. There is such diversity in humanity. Changes happen.

‘He thinks you don’t like him.’

The ten year old boy had been in my class for a couple of weeks and his mother was obviously anxious.

‘He had a wonderful relationship with his teacher at his last school. It is very distressing that he is so unhappy,’ she was close to tears.

‘Thank you for telling me this, I'll sort it out.’

She did not look convinced.

Two days later she was waiting for me outside the classroom at the beginning of the day. She looked much happier.

‘Thank you so much,’ she smiled nervously.

The class was beginning to settle down and an understanding developing of what it was like being together. It was plain to see this boy felt he could relax with his peers and he did not need my special attention. Nevertheless, I had made sure that he knew that I felt that he was a valued member of the class, as everyone else was.

This school was different. Here we saw each other as individuals with respect for each other and the community of which they were part. There was no uniformity, no pressure to conform and no institutionalised ways of comparing.

For over thirty years I taught in schools like this that did not use systems of punishment and reward as means of controlling and motivating children and young people. During that time it was possible to observe the extraordinary shift in a world where greed, manipulation and exploitation steadily gained dominance. Here individual is pitted against individual and comparison reigns supreme.

Coersion is rife in all aspects of society in many subtle ways. Through the dominance of the drive towards aspiration, achievement and success in bare material terms. The path is laid out and you must travel that way following the signs that others have put up for you. Then you will arrive. Wherever that may be!

Role models are paraded for us all to see at every level. Be like this, be like that.

Comparison is the bedrock of competition and competition has become the expression of modern life. There are winners and losers, successes and failures, the good and the bad. It is all so very simple and is the cause of the self-induced crises that the world faces today.

You must fit into predetermined visions of life. Alter your features, change how you behave. Become someone. By following a carefully laid out system of self-management you too can have a good life; have good things; be happy. It doesn’t matter what age you are, seven or seventy – it's never too early, never too late.

We want to fit in. Be accepted, admired, loved. We become chameleons in our attempts to have our desires fulfilled. Our comparisons make us feel superior or inferior, safe or insecure.

Our comparisons give us a sense of certainty. Such illusion!

In looking, observing dispassionately, without fear for ourselves, I think it is possible to come to understanding that there is no need to fit in. The very fact that we exist in this extraordinary life with all other living beings is enough.

All that lives is fragile, frail and will die.

It is early autumn leaves are falling from the trees around us and apples fall to the ground giving food for wasps, squirrels and other creatures. The tall grass under which the young hare shelters has become stiff, golden brown and is dying. There is a cool breeze on many days, although the sun still holds some summer heat. There is a certain quiet and stillness. The harvest has been collected and there is food for most creatures living around this place. Time to gather yourself; to reflect before the days draw down and the late autumn gales track their way across the land.

Time to watch and listen without comparison, without fear and, to wonder at the beauty and ugliness of life on this entangled earth.